i put the "no" in (n)etw(o)rking
on the worst social media site to ever exist
Otters,
I promised you I’d send something out on Tuesday. And today is Tuesday. Where did the time go?
This will be a quick one because I have a two hour break in between my classes today but there is too much I need to get done in those two hours and there is no worse feeling than feeling like you’re super behind on literally everything ever AAAAAGHHHHHH.
What are those things, you ask?
Well. I have to eat lunch and prep for my class at 3 and email a few people and finish prepping for a Significant Otters interview I’m conducting tonight (yes! that is still a thing!!!)
And I also have to…check my LinkedIn.
Yeah. It’s true. I do that now.
I get queasy typing that out. Being a LinkedIn girl is not my forte. I used to be on there for a month or two a couple years ago and then when I took off my profile picture (because I didn’t like how I looked) and replaced it with a blank image until I had a headshot that was legit and professional and hot enough for the masses, LinkedIn just…banned me for misrepresenting my identity?
I mean, there is also that time I included “CEO of Microsoft Inc.” in my experience section.
But I left that up for ONE day!
Ok. Maybe for one weekend. But WHATEVER. There is no way they caught on that fast. Whatever algorithm they have processing these bans — and there’s no way there was a human behind this decision, it all happened too swiftly and in too unexplainable a fashion — they juiced the HELL out of that goddamn thing. Because it WORKS.
You think I didn’t immediately hit the “appeal decision” button and send over ID to make my case? Of course I did! But a day later some “Alex” from LinkedIn Support,” whoever that is, said I was permanently banned.
When I tried making a new account with a different email, which I knew was pointless but still worth a shot, some of my close friends from high school said they weren’t receiving the connection requests I was sending them. When I DMed LinkedIn Support they said they would look into it for me. (I made sure my account was nice and neat first, though. Everything was insanely boring and lacked personality. You know. The LinkedIn Way.)
The next day I got locked out of my account. I DMed them again like “WTF?” (though I did not, like, legitimately say “WTF” — I said “WTF” in LinkedIn Speak) and they were like, welp, can’t help you anymore till the Safety team reviews your case! Of course, I got an email the very next day saying I had been banned. I was CRUSHED.
Yes, I know those were goofy, immature, stupid stupid and dumb mistakes to make. But come ON, bro. Give a girlboss a chance!
There is a happy ending to this story, though. A few weeks ago I had the brilliant idea of trying to create a new account via a public computer at one of the UofT libraries. So I did. And I haven’t gotten banned!!!! Yet.
I’m not going to include the link because I’m paranoid something catastrophic will happen, but if you literally just plug my name into LinkedIn I should pop up. After all, how many Ottavias are out there? 3???
Please do connect with me! I’ve been around for maybe three weeks at this point and I’ve impressed myself with how many connections I’ve already gotten. You should’ve seen me at 2am a while back, making a list of every cool person I have ever met.
Like, I had NO idea I knew this many people. I honestly thought I’d top out at, like, 50.
But the more time I spend on LinkedIn, the more it repulses me. I’m almost starting to regret re-joining this platform. I can’t stand the performances people put on here. I feel like the only human in a sea of a billion cyborgs.
Part of my decision to make those goofy mistakes in the first place was because I was SO sick of LinkedIn culture. Do you know what I’m talking about? You know those people who borderline greet you with a “Subscribe to my mailing list! bit.ly/stfu” instead of a hello?
There are so many people on there who do that. Every post I’ve come across is some variation of “Recently, I was excited to attend the How to Watch Paint Dry 101 Conference,”
or: “I am a billionaire. But all you have to do is work hard and grow your network and you can be just like me!”
or (to my incredible annoyance): “I am pleased to announce my corruption summer internship with Breitbart News. This position demonstrates my commitment to fact-based journalism. I look forward to getting started!”
I can’t do it, Otters. I just can’t. I can’t get myself to write in that lingo-laden dialect. It pained me just to type out the above sentences, AND THEY WERE JOKE SENTENCES.
If you look at my LinkedIn profile, you’ll notice I haven’t included my Substack anywhere. That’s because Things You Otter Know has always tried to feel like the antithesis of a LinkedIn post. Am I worried the corporate recruiter people are going to find out about this Substack and run for the hills because of its informality and no-holds-barred approach? Absolutely! One million percent. That’s on my list of biggest fears. It’s in fourth place, actually. Behind spiders. And death. And my extended family finding out about this Substack.
I do have this place linked on my writing portfolio website (ottaviawrites.weebly.com) but I don’t see why that’s a problem, since people who visit my site are likely there to check out my writing anyway, and there are actually some posts that I am pretty damn proud of. Honestly, I think this place exemplifies my general writing style more than anything else.
I would even go so far as to argue that many of you are here because you like that my writing isn’t boring. That it’s not full of platitudes about side hustles and hustle culture and whatever the hell a stock market even is. Retaining that sense of authenticity and integrity feels far, far more important to me than any job I could possibly be considered for.
Like, before I go, let me be clear: I’m not trying to say that I’m better than all the boring people on LinkedIn!
But I’m also not not saying it.
Muhahaha.