I was supposed to be in England right about now
...and it didn't pan out
Otters,
Thank you to everyone who read Q’s interview with me that went up earlier this week—if you missed it, it’s yours to peruse here:
If you read the interview—hell, even if you didn’t!—there’s a little section where England comes up in our convo because Q is from England. And I mention to Q that I’m going to be on exchange at the University of Leeds—LEEDS!—on exchange in the fall.
Maybe you’re someone who knows me in real life and already knew about this. You knew how excited I was. I was especially excited to surprise all you Otters with the news riiight about now.
But now I have nothing to announce! In fact! My announcement is that… nothing is happening!
I am not in Leeds and I will not be in Leeds and I will probably never be in Leeds. I was supposed to move into the University last week and start classes this week. But alas, I am still living with my parents in a tiny little suburb of a suburb in Ontario, Canada.
I made a promise when I started this Substack that I would be honest with all of you. And to be honest, not being in England right now suuuuuucks! I am as unhappy and unmotivated as ever. My classes suck, I have few friends, I am struggling to land a part-time job, and mentally I am not in my sweet spot yet. I’m not happy here. I honestly have never felt truly happy here! Maybe that’s just the reality of growing up, and by extension growing up neurodivergent. I’ve always felt pretty isolated from the rest of my peers in both the mental and physical sense.
Now, would I be happier if I was in England right now? I mean, I wanna say yes. But also there’s that old adage of the grass being greener on the other side. And yeah of course the excitement of being there would totally wear off after a few weeks. But I’ve always wanted to go to England. Always always always. I have wanted to take the tube since I was a kid.
Like, everyone feels like abandoning their hometown at some point, right? Late last year when the idea of going on exchange crossed my mind, that’s how I thought about it. It was a chance to run away from my problems. It was an opportunity to take a vacation I sorely needed. It was going to be the most transformative four months of my life. For the first time, growing up felt exciting. Living away from my parents and the dogs! Going to parties without worrying about the 2.5 hour commute back home the entire time! Writing the best poems of my life! Kissing British boys!
I had PLANS, y’all. I saved up a ton of money. I did a crazy ton of research. I made folder thingymajingys on Google Maps with landmarks and restaurants I wanted to visit all over England. Of course I wanted Leeds to feel like home, but it wasn’t like I wasn’t going to go to Nottingham and Sheffield and Bath and Birmingham and Hull and Newcastle. Of course I considered paying 40 Canadian dollars for an hour-long plane ride to Dublin to see where U2 grew up. I had a friend who was thinking about going to Edinburgh on exchange and we were thinking about visiting each other. My dad and I cheer for Liverpool; you think I wasn’t going to visit Anfield at some point? And cry in the pictures I sent back to him?
I was going to make reading week my London week. Obviously I was gonna do all the touristy things. I wanted to walk through Wembley Park and also that long street whose name I can’t remember where Queen Liz used to do those fancy jubilee parades. I also wanted to get a pint at the Black Dog. Not gonna lie to you, I really wanted to get a pint at the Black Dog.
Oh my god and MANCHESTER. Leeds is like a 45-minute train ride from Manchester, I think. I was so delusional that I would have dreams at night about walking through the City Centre on a Friday afternoon after class listening to the Smiths and Oasis and Joy Division and New Order at full blast, and getting a ridiculously delicious sandwich from this insane Manchester sandwich place I found online called Ad Maiora. (I still follow them, by the way).
In doing all this research I got in touch with my inner nerd and had a few weeks where I became really obsessed with British trains. I would watch train videos at 2am instead of sleeping. I think part of it is how developed their rail system is compared to Canada? Clean subway cars that move quickly and have free wifi. It’s also so much less expensive over there than here. Check this out: Leeds to London is a 2 hour train ride. Toronto to Ottawa via Via Rail takes you FIVE HOURS. FIVE. IN THIS ECONOMY??????
I think the thing I was most excited for was all the concerts I planned to go to. I had an Excel spreadsheet and everything. Charli’s and Troye’s tour is sold out now but a few months ago you could see them play Manchester for like 50 pounds. Vampire Weekend is playing smaller English venues in December. I wanted to be there, and I don’t even listen to Vampire Weekend. And then all these bands I like that I could see for way cheaper in England than in Canada and who were pretty much all stopping in Leeds on their respective tours: Fontaines D.C., Yellowcard, METZ. Interpol’s UK shows were like $100 CAD but I was going to be there no matter what. I love that band so much.
But now none of that is happening! It was just too much, logistically and financially. My parents didn’t want me to go. I myself didn’t want to go sometimes because I’m really bad at handling change and new things. The uni’s residence staff were giving me a hard time when I struggled to apply online for accommodation. And now all the money I saved up for the trip I’ve since spent on university tuition and a winter jacket and my phone bill and other less exciting miscellaneous stuff.
Could I go on exchange some other time? It’s complicated. A lot of UofT students go on exchange during their third year so they can still be on track to graduate in 4 years. If I went next fall I would have to prolong my graduation by another year, and tbh I don’t want to stay an extra year at UofT. I could go next summer, but it would only be for a few weeks and my return on investment would just not be up to par, in my opinion.
In Canada there’s a fancy visa you can get that allows you to live and work and study in the UK for up to 2 years. Maybe once I get out of UofT that’s the move? I could join some PR firm in a London suburb. Or go to Oxford for grad school and have my own little Elle Woods moment.
I don’t know, y’all. My life is as normal as it’s ever been and yet I feel like I should be getting more out of it. As Mark Hoppus once said, I guess this is growing up.
See you Monday or Tuesday.