Making your Blue Monday better...
...by writing about college football?!?!?!?!
Otters,
I know I told you last week that I was planning to write to you at least once a week every week for 52 consecutive weeks. We are only two weeks into the year and I have already broken this promise. I know I know I KNOW this is so on brand for me.
But you know what made me realize that I didn’t post last week? This email.
Substack hates me.
I have found a workaround: writing to you twice in a week during the week after the week that I forget to write to you. So this week you should be getting two posts from me—one today (duh) and another post later in the week, hopefully on Thursday or Friday or something like that. Does that make sense? I’m a writer. I should be good at this explaining stuff. Please excuse my mediocrity.
I was away last week because last week was my first week of the winter semester, which immediately sent my neurodivergent brain scrambling. It’s been a rough few weeks for me mentally, but I will save all of my complaining for later in the week.
The other advantage of me writing to you today instead of last week is that today is Blue Monday. I have no idea if that is a legit thing or total pseudoscience, but maybe you’re sad like me and are desperate for a serotonin boost. Hopefully this post makes you feel better.
Because writing these posts sure makes me feel better! I am going to be doing a looooooot of writing this semester for school but it’s nice to have this Substack in my back packet for when I just want to write for me instead of my boomer white man profs.
I saw a couple people un-subscribing from this newsletter after I sent out last week’s post, and I assume it’s because they don’t care for me ranting about college football. And I get that! I totally understand where y’all are coming from. But I’m not going to compromise what I write about when this Substack is first and foremost for me. I pride myself on being nicheless and passionate and fun to read no matter the topic. Y’all are under no obligation whatsoever to be here and read these posts, which is why it still blows my mind that you are, in fact, still here! What a wild and crazy and kind thing of yourselves to do.
Speaking of wild and crazy things! College football!!!!!
I don’t even have that many thoughts on the *deep breath* 2024 College Football Playoff National Championship presented by AT&T. *insert eyeroll emoji for sponsorship reasons*
Washington vs Michigan. Both teams were undefeated heading into this game. The Washington Huskies were the #2 ranked team in the country. In the semifinal Sugar Bowl (which took place the week before this final happened) they almost lost to the #3 ranked Texas Longhorns, who nearly won the game with 1 second remaining. It legit does not get more dramatic than that.
Washington QB Michael Penix Jr. (above) has had a bunch of injuries during his college career, but in his senior season he’s been 1) healthy, and 2) a total gamer. Mikey, as I have now decided to call him, was a runner-up for the Heisman this year, aka the thing they give to the best player in college football. He will get his named called early in this year’s NFL Draft, not that I would ever watch the NFL Draft.
The Michigan Wolverines were the #1 ranked team in the country. They played their semifinal against #4 Alabama (who for my money should not have been playing because #5 Florida State had a better record than them but I guess the College Football Playoff Selection Committee prefers that Alabama is competitve because when Alabama is competitve the NCAA makes bazookas of money. ANYWAYS.) This semifinal was so insane because Michigan were down by seven with less than two minutes remaining in the fourth quarter. They somehow tie it up, they go to overtime, they win the coin toss, they score in overtime, and then Alabama tries to score in overtime but decide to run the most terrible play call in the history of ever, so Michigan makes the Natty. (Yes, people call it the Natty. There are other losers out there besides myself.)
Much of Michigan’s win was due to the outstanding play of quarterback J. J. McCarthy (above) who managed to outdoes another outstanding quarterback in Jaden Milroe, and who announced just yesterday(!) that he is declaring for this year’s NFL Draft (notably, so is his teammate, standout running back Blake Corum.) McCarthy will likely be selected in the first round since he is a total hottie.
The game itself? Meh. Nothing compared to either of those semifinal games. Michigan and Washington were just trading punts half the time. McCarthy was the better QB on this night. Penix Jr.’s normally accurate arm had a rare bad night. Michigan won by 21 points and finished the season 15-0, just the fourth NCAA FBS national champion to do that.
Washington coach Kalen DeBoer has since been hired to replace the just-retired Nick Saban at Alabama. Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh will likely coach in the NFL next year.
I’ll wrap up by saying that Canadians like me got a simulcast of ESPN’s production of this final, and thank god because Americans just know how to put sports television broadcasts together. ESPN’s Monday night NFL broadcasts are awesome not only because they usually get great games on tap, but also because Joe Buck is now their play-by-play announcer. I love Joe Buck. I know people have been hating on Joe Buck for years because he’s a nepo baby, but Joe Buck just sounds like home to me. Now, none of this is meant to shade the play-by-play guy for this CFP final in Chris Fowler, because he’s great too. I just need to particularly shout out the way ESPN’s production crew put this final together. You could smell the money through your TV screen. Such great drone shots and fancy new close-up camera angles. The sheer sound of the crowd, too. All the drunk kids in the stands are the best. AND THE WAY THEY GET BOTH TEAMS TO RUN OUT ONTO THE FIELD AND THERE ARE THESE BIG SMOKE MACHINES THAT GO WOOSH. Such theatre!
And just like that, I’m done! It wasn’t so bad, was it? You did it. You survived! You should put that on your resume.