Hello, hello, welcome to the show, the show that is known as…Things You Otter Know! I’m Ottavia Paluch (as ever), and one day I’m going to write a theme song for this blog and it is going to be glorious.
Before we get to the June 2022 edition of Otterbiography (because I know you’ve all be dying to hear about what’s been going on with me) we have some housekeeping to do! Or, rather…
DAMKEEPING!
That’s right, this time I’m putting headings at the top of every mini section so that you can, like, catch my drift, bro. I also added more pictures than I normally do. I’m trying to make this columns that are all-over-the-place a bit easier for you to read. Let me know if you like it!
So! A few things!
Folks in my neck of the woods, aka Mississauga, Ontario, Canada - his message is for you and you only. I will be reading a poem at a sick event that a sick local youth org called Future Majority is putting on to promote the adoption of some sick local climate policy! It’s happening this Saturday and it’s gonna be sick! I heard there might be cameras there. All for me, obviously. No, no, I’m joking BUT PLEASE REGISTER BY CLICKING HERE IF YOU CAN COME!!!
A quick reminder to subscribers to PLEASE FILL OUT *****THIS***** TINY LITTLE GOOGLE FORM THAT I MADE BY THIS SATURDAY. Thank you!
This is the first time I’ve ever sent out an Otterbiography late. Hopefully this will not happen again.
There will be no Significant Otters this month. I’m sorry! It would have to be out next week due to time constraints and my lazy butt still hasn’t secured a guest for this month yet.
BUT! There will be two in August just so we can get up to speed. I’ll be aiming for the weeks of August 8 and 22, but no promises.
In the meantime you’ll still be hearing from me this coming Monday. And the one after that. When August hits I’ll tell you about my posting schedule for August and we’ll go from there. Capeesh? Capeesh.
We’ll be getting to this in a second, but I’m moving in August. I have things to pack and houses to clean. I have lots of university-related stuff that I need to handle over the coming weeks. My band (ever tell you about my band?) may or may not be recording an EP over the next six weeks. My mentoring job with the Incandescent Studio is starting up. I’m wrapping up my term as co-Director of Content at Ink Movement. And then just when all the dust is settled from that, I’ll be starting university in September. Put it this way - my free writing days from here on out are going to be limited.
So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to get the posts for this month and next out of the way first. That includes writing Otterbiographies WHILE things in my life happen and not retroactively. Also interviewing my friends for Significant Otters and transcribing what they say well in advance of when their interviews are published.
As to how long all of this will take me, I have no idea. If I do somehow get through all of it, I’ll be focusing on writing future posts for the fall months when I will likely have no time to write this blog because I’ll be writing an essay on the friggin Odyssey or whatever long ancient stupid dumb book I’ll have to read for school.
Don’t be surprised if I run out of steam by September, though. Of course, I will tell you if I need to take a break to adjust to all of this newfound universityness. But hopefully not. This Substack is a real source of joy for me. I would hate to abandon it. I have big plans for it, too. Thanks for reading it.
ok, NOW it’s Otterbiography time!
Here we go then! Welcome to the June 2022 edition of Otterbiography! For those of you who are new here, Otterbiography is the monthly column wherein I spend half the time complaining talking about my extremely boring and unimpressive life as it currently stands and then spend the other half sharing media that I have been consuming in sort-of-large amounts. (The name was suggested by some guy on Twitter I don’t know.)
Bottom line this month was that 1) my life was depressing, 2) I finished 0 books during the month of June, and 3) I also didn’t listen to a lot of new music, shockingly. The good news is there’s other stuff I can talk about…
Playing guitar very badly!
I was at my dear friend Angel’s place last month. Angel happens to be a self-taught guitar and bass player so I was fooling around on their guitar and bass. It turns out that bass isn’t really my thing, the frequencies too low for my undeveloped ears, the strings too thick for my weak little fingers to pluck. I am pleased to tell you, though, that after only touching a guitar twice in my life, I already know FIVE guitar chords! And they are the following: G major, E minor, E minor add9 (a ✨ fancier ✨ E minor), A major, and this C major chord that is like a G in that I press my fingers down on the same fret but on more strings. Does that make sense? (All the guitar players here are probably laughing their heads off right now.)
I learned those chords so that I could play two supposedly very easy songs to play on the guitar and that I love dearly: “About a Girl” by Nirvana (whose iconic intro only features 2 chords!) and “Push” by Matchbox Twenty (which is actually played a half-step down, but Angel wouldn’t let me change the tuning of their guitar.) I avoided the chorus of “About a Girl” because it’s well above my skill level, and I think the chorus of “Push” features two chords I don’t know. But just the intro and verse of “Push”? Dude. I was playing it over and over for two hours to the point where the poor little pads of my fingers were given free temporary tattoos that they never asked for. I just couldn’t get it down! One day I will serenade you all and it’ll be the best thing ever.
For now I’m just going to stick to being a hack piano player. It’ll be a few lifeimtes before I learn to play a song on guitar properly. Or learn all those weird chord shapes that force you to casually break your wrist in the name of John Mayer or whatever dickhead guitar player you’re trying to emulate.
Hockey!
I watched Colorado win the Stanley Cup! You know, the trophy that hockey teams win? Even now, with the season over, I’m not so sure if I miss hockey. That’s because, even though one of our players (Auston Matthews!) just won the Hart Trophy as the most valuable player in the NHL, I worry way too much about who the Leafs are gonna nab in free agency. through jittery teeth I trust Kyle Dubas!
Father’s Day!
So for my dad this year we blew like 80 bucks on a charcuterie board that wasn’t a charcuterie board. It was full of stuff he loves: salami, cheese, Ruffles chips (geez, those things are good), these weird spicy almonds that come in this little blue container, these disgusting chip things called pork rinds, olives, strawberries, blueberries, cherries, tomatoes, sparkled water…I’ll show you!
He loved it. I love my dad. I am so lucky.
The Shoppers Saga Series Finale!
Oh my god, y’all, how could I forget? My co-op “experience” at Shoppers Drug Mart is officially OVER!!! They were kind enough to give me a $10 Shoppers gift card upon my departure. I had to write a thank-you card wherein I lied and said I was thankful for stuff. It had to be in my neatest handwriting, of course, so it took me half an hour to put it down on paper. You should see my chicken scratch. Actually, give me a second, let me show you!
Listen, those of you who have been following this Sad Shoppers Saga™️ since it began all the way back in February will understand the joy I felt walking out of that store for the last time as an employee. It was like learning that mosquitoes have been eradicated from the Earth. Sorry for the bad metaphor, I just didn’t want to revert to the cliched one that is “winning the lottery.” Although it DID feel like winning the lottery! Or like a very rigged game of whack-a-mole, wherein you whack the machine using pure rage until IT’S out of whack. And the damn thing’s cracked down the middle, and you gently pry it open with you bare hands, and you’re getting wood needles injected into your skin as you do it but you don’t care, this is the suffering you must endure in order to give that bastard a taste of its own medicine—just picture yourself in this run-down, abandoned little arcade, no signs of life anywhere except for the sound of your breathing and the way the blue light fixtures in the ceiling fizzle out and come back into focus and—therrrrre’s the pesky little shit!!
Sorry, where were we?
The provincial election!
This is yet another thing I was planning to write about last month but lost motivation to. Understandably so, considering the results. Doug Ford won re-election and it wasn’t even close. It really is a godadmn shame. He kinda sucked at the pandemic and pulled the plug on mask restrictions and vaccine mandates when it felt convent for him. Not to mention all the unnecessary cuts he was making to education and other sectors BEFORE the pandemic started.
On the bright side, though, Andrea Horwath stepped down as NDP leader! (For the non-Canadians here, the NDP is the “radical Democrat” party of Canada. (God, I hate that term.) I mean, that’s a party I would vote for no problem, that’s a leader I would vote for no problem, (that is, if they stood a chance where I live) but this lady was stubborn enough to stick around for FOUR GODDAMNED ELECTIONS, and her whole shebang was getting stale. She’d throw out baseless solutions to issues like they were candy. All in all, for the NDP to resonate with more voters it needs some fresh blood. None of which the NDP won.
The Liberals were smart enough to replace their leader after they got destroyed in 2018 or whenever it was, but then the leader that campaigned for them in this election, Stephen Del Duca, also resigned after his party won, like, 10 seats? I’m not even going to fact-check that for you because I literally could not care less. No wonder they won so little. Dude had the charisma of an expired lemon. (A description that fits better than you’d think when you realize that he’s as bald as Mr. Clean.)
Honestly, no one really stood a chance this year against Doug. It was kinda depressing. The next four years aren’t going to be easy. Ottavia for Premier in 2032!
Speaking of the government…
The government hates me!
Over the last month I’ve been drowning in medical paperwork and government forms because I had to apply for OSAP (the Ontario Student Assistance Program, wherein you beg Doug Ford to borrow you money) and for accessibility services at UTM. Because of my two disabilities my black desk was covered in white for a solid week. It really is ridiculous. Instead of making me fill out of these forms, why don’t you just…you know…meet me? You’d be able to tell right away!
Speaking of disabilities…
Ottavia at the Ophthalmologist!
I had to visit my ophthalmologist to do some tests so that I could send proof to UTM that my eyes are messed up. There was one test in particular that freaked me out. They shoved my face in this big white box. And smack-dab in the middle of this box was a little orange dot that I had to stare at. But while I was staring at it there were these tiny little white lights blinking around the larger orange light and all over the box. The lights would dim and I would use this clicker thing to indicate that yes, I saw the 2 millimetre light flash in the top right corner for a nanosecond, and so on and so forth. It was essentially a peripheral vision test. And I had no clue of just how bad my peripheral vision was until I sat on that chair and stuck my head in that box. There would be spells of 15, 30 seconds where I wouldn’t be clicking at all. It was sorta heartbreaking. I knew the lights were flashing, but I couldn’t make them out. They made me do that test I think three or four times. Like, girl. I’m blind. Get over it.
QUICK MUSIC RANTS!
Interpol!
This week, the 15th, we get new albums from Lizzo, Beabadoobee, and Interpol, my personal faves. What a band! I don’t need a sentimental man or woman to pump me up when it comes to them because I AM that sentimental woman. I’ve been an Interpol fan for a loooong time. Maybe since seventh grade, honestly? “Obstacle 1” and “PDA” are two of my favourite songs EVER, no exaggeration. They go SO HARD live, too. Not that I would know—I’ve only watched clips of them on YouTube.
Interpol are actually coming over here to Toronto at the end of August to open for Metric. I would totally go to that but I’m not a big Metric fan. They just dropped a new album last week but I don’t care for it the way I did for their last one. They have a few sick tunes but I’ve heard they’re pretty bad live. And I’m just not gonna shell out $150 to see them play mediocre indie for 2 hours. Even in their hometown.
Let it be known, though, that I would absolutely pay $150 to see everyone else on the bill except Metric play. Because on top of Interpol, you have Bartees Strange, an artist who is seriously on the rise (and don’t just take my word for it; go ask my friend Matt!). AND Spoon, another band that I’ve loved for a long time. Their newest album, Lucifer on the Sofa, is SO GOOD. All of their albums have at least one banger on them.
An idea: what if I went to this show and then left, like, not even halfway through Metric’s set? And that way I could get my money’s worth without actually getting my money’s worth, you know? I already asked my dad if he wants to go and he doesn’t. I will have to find someone else. Hmm…
The Smile
Here’s yet another band I wanted to write about earlier this year for this Substack but decided not to because I was lazy. (Noticing a pattern here?) The Smile is the latest and greatest side project of my favourite band of all time. Care to take a guess as to who that is? You probably know…
Well…Thom Yorke and Jonny Greenwood are two-fifths of the almighty Radiohead, god bless ‘em, and they double as two of my favourite musicians probably ever, in terms of their sensibility and finesse and originality and the beauty and fragility of the music they make…I could go on all day. They’ve partnered up with a drummer from another band for this project but if you didn’t know that you would’ve never thought it. The Smile’s first album, A Light For Attracting Attention, came out earlier this year, and it is a Radiohead album in everything but name. I think that’s why I haven’t gotten as attached to it as you think. Writing this column makes me realize that I need to spend more time with it this summer.
The Smile announced last month that they are touring Europe and North America later this year. Unlike Radiohead, they’ll be playing intimate little theatres instead of arenas. When they announced the North American leg, which included a stop in Toronto, I flipped out. I had checked my phone in between classes and audibly gasped. I knew it was coming but I still wasn’t ready. So my dilemma was the following: Do I go see the Smile this fall at Massey Hall? Or do I wait a few years to catch Radiohead play Scotiabank Arena as part of what will likely be their final tour? One of my biggest regrets (I’m not exaggerating, I STILL get sad over it to this day) is not seeing them the last time they were here. I was, like, 15, and my dad didn’t want to come with me. The same issue as right now, actually.
The good news is I never had to make a decision because tickets went on sale while I was in class and they sold out immediately! Goddamn it, man.
Joyce Manor!
If you’ve been following TYOK for a while, you’ll know that a few months ago I became OBSESSED with this band called Joyce Manor. And that by good fortune they announced a new album a few months ago too! I wanted to write about 40 Oz. to Fresno, but I wasn’t sure if I could pull off a roughly 3,000 word thinkpiece on an album whose duration is all of 17 minutes. So I’ll just put it very succinctly: IT IS AMAZING OH MY GOD. Front-to-back punk-pop GENIUS. You’re going to see a lot of Joyce Manor in my year-end music roundup columns, that’s all I’ll say.
OTTERFUL THINGS OF THE MONTH!
Things I have been reading!
Not a guy I listen to but here’s a fascinating long-read on the relationship between Frank Sinatra and Tommy Dorsey.
CREEM Magazine is my new favourite magazine. Check out this fake review of the new Imagine Dragons album.
Also from CREEM, a genuinely interesting interview with the guy who shot Reagan.
Speaking of music magazines, my favourite music blog around is Stereogum and it’s not even close. I’ve checked stereogum.com at least once a day since senior editor Tom Breihan started his amazing column called The Number Ones, where he reviews every song that has ever topped the Billboard Hot 100. Here’s a recent one about the immortal “…Baby One More Time.” I think it’s his best one yet.
Stereogum also did a big long thing where they asked 80 musicians to name their favourite Paul McCartney song. It is well worth 20 minutes of your time.
I badly want to watch Get Back even though I don’t have Disney+.
While we’re on the topic of the Beatles, this deep dive into Paul McCartney from Ian Leslie is PHENOMENAL. Beautifully written and contains some great fun facts and insight.
The Wonder Years are back. Not the Gen X show! The emo band! Their first record in quite some time drops September 23. They talked to Kerrang! about it.
Yeah yeah WILLOW is rich and all that but I respect the fact that she’s chosen to stay away from cash-grab music and is instead pushing the boundaries of what pop and punk can be.
Very interesting Johnny Rotten profile (but is there ever an uninteresting Johnny Rotten profile?
Very informative article from Gabrielle Drolet on the casual ableism found in food culture.
Another long read that’s worth your time about diversification in the publishing industry from the NYT Book Review. The wonderful Lisa Lucas makes an appearance in it!
Asap Raza of Bookforum talks to Geoff Dyer about a book about tennis, art, and time.
The success of “Running Up That Hill” is changing the music industry. AS. IT. SHOULD.
This is awesome and Ellee is so well-spoken at just eleven years of age. HOW.
The tech journalist Casey Newton writes a great Substack called Platformer. He did a great post for free subscribers on what this whole DALL-E thingymajing is. Yip-E! (lol get it)
Last thing - this isn’t an article, but a short story—my friend and worshipper Jacquline Xiong has a beautiful story in the best literary magazine around.
Poems!
“More is Not More” by (my friend!) Fiona Lu
“Year” by Maya C. Popa
“Wavelength // Waveless” by (past Significant Otters guest!) Jessica Kim
Tweets I loved that may or may not have come from me!
That’s it for June’s Otterbiography! Thanks for reading it. These columns are always wild to put together. I will see you on Monday! I always say that and don’t mean it but this time I actually do! Fill out the TYOK survey! Come see me read on Saturday! Abolish the Supreme Court!
🦦—O—🦦