Salut, Otters. This is Ottavia Paluch from Things You Otter Know, and my throat is on fire. (More on that later.)
Welcome to the April 2022 edition of Otterbiography, the monthly column where I spend half the time complaining talking about my extremely boring and unimpressive life as it currently stands and then spend the other half sharing media that I have been consuming in sort-of-large amounts. (The name was suggested by some guy on Twitter I don’t know.)
This isn’t going to be a particularly long or exciting edition. Why is that, you ask? I’ll get to that. But first!
Some notes + housekeeping before we begin:
I know it feels like it came out during the Cretaceous time period, but the last instalment of TYOK, wherein I hung out with the fantabulous Stella Lei, was a huge success! By far the most popular post I’ve had in the nearly six months that this dumb little Substack page has existed. Thank you to everyone who's shared it on Twitter and on Instagram and with their friends. I’ve gotten so many great messages about it and that doesn’t surprise me considering how wonderful Stella is.
I know those of you who are here because of the interview are itching to unsubscribe right now, but I’ll do my best to win you over with all the other writing that I send out. Hopefully you like it. If no,
you suckno problem!
Things You Otter Know has surpassed 80 subscribers! We’ve had a raft of Otters come in since my conversation with Stella dropped (and not to sound like a broken record but I am not surprised by this because Stella is fantabulous). My teen-writer-friend-turned-Substack-subscriber Joy Su said she couldn’t wait to see me hit 100 subscribers. And I’ll tell you what I told her: it hasn’t even crossed my mind yet! I was so psyched just to get 50. I don’t know what I’ll do if/when I hit 100. Any suggestions, leave ‘em in the comments.
And yes, you read that right, a group of otters is called a raft. (This fact-check has been sponsored by Google.ca. Thanks, Google!)
Man, what a month. So many little life-changes. I’ll go through them one at a time.
The Toronto Maple Leafs’ first-round playoff series against the two-time defending champions that are the Tampa Bay Lightning was a hell of a hockey series and totally consumed the first half of May for me. Every game was memorable for different reasons. My voice was gone at the end of most of them. I also cried at the end of most of them. You don’t understand the joy I felt when this happened near the end of Game 5:
The Leafs ended up taking a 3-2 series lead that night. My dad called me after the game to tell me how much he loved me. We were both crying. I swear to god this actually happened.
Things were fine and dandy until they ended up losing game 6 in overtime off of a fluke Tampa Bay goal. AND they essentially got cheated out of a massive game 7 victory thanks to this amazing John Tavares goal being waived off for interference for some godforsaken reason???????
I am going to rage about that call for years to come. That is my generation’s version of the Kerry Fraser incident. If you don’t know what that is, look it up. (Or maybe don’t.)
It’s now been EIGHTEEN YEARS since the Leafs last won a playoff series. A SINGULAR ROUND. Tampa Bay has a real shot at winning THEIR THIRD STRAIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP over the course of the next few weeks.
And it’s like, what do you change? That was the best Leafs team we’ve had in 20 years! Jason Spezza just retired, god bless his heart. I guess he was too traumatized to step on the ice again. He was my favourite player. Man.
I don’t know, y’all. As the old saying goes, maybe next year?
In the meantime, I’ve been watching a ton of hockey from the other series that are happening. The Battle of Alberta between the Calgary Flames and Edmonton Oilers was especially entertaining. Hopefully by the next edition of Otterbiography the Oilers will have been crowned Stanley Cup champions…
I also got COVID. Like, less than a week ago. Yeah. It sucks. This is the worst sore throat I’ve ever had in my life. And the worst chills. And the worst fever. And the most weak I’ve ever been. I wouldn’t wish this upon my biggest hater. As a result I am literally not giving 100% to the column this month because I am literally not operating at 100% right now. I am very sorry. Send your complaints to my nervous system.
I’m not going to get into my bout with COVID too much here, and the reason for that is because I am already working on a little essay about my bout with COVID that I will be sending out sometime next month. I mean, it’s not really an essay. It’s more like a series of medically-induced rants. Ready or not, it’s coming!
My good friend Kevin moved away to a little town up north called Minden. It’s about a three hour drive from where I am. I sure miss him. We’re the same age and we both have attended the same high school sorta-spec-ed program since we started high school. He loves building model tanks (like, little plastic war tank replicas). And he won’t shut up about them. He goes on and on about these damn things to the point where I actually know stuff about them now! (I am not proud to share this fact with you, but I promised you back in January I’d be transparent on here.) So eventually it came to a point where I forced him to make me a model with my specific specifications, only for him to build one of the wrong size. It’s become a whole bit at this point, lol. He says it was the right one and I say it totally wasn't. He also loves Star Wars and his first love was Lego and he’s a history buff and he loves planes and being a goof and also he doesn’t eat the crusts from pizza slices. I think you get my point at this point. He’s such a nerd—like, SUCH a nerd—and when I brought this fact up to my mom, she says (without missing a beat) “But you are too!” Goddamnit.
The issue my family and I have with this whole Kevin thing is that he absolutely, unequivocally did not want to move to Minden. His parents are literally heading there just because housing is cheaper. For those of you who are unaware, housing in southern Ontario, where I am, has gotten incredibly expensive. It’s shambolic. It’s honestly a joke. Which we totally understand. But for us the issue is it seems like his parents gave zero thought on THEIR SON’S FUTURE! As if they only cared about themselves. To me it’s a selfish, nonsense move. You’re withholding his future from him. What the hell is he gonna do for at least the next five years? Play bingo with the aging population up there? He might as well play a video game with me. You ever seen me play any video game at all? I’m like if Ninja was even more annoying than he already is.
(Imagine me as a Twitch streamer. It’s just me falling off the road in Rainbow Road. Over. And over. And over again.)
Geez, I sure went on a tangent there. So. Before Kevin left for Minden he surprised me while I was at Shoppers and we hung out together. I attempted the monkey bars for the first time since I was a kid at this park near us. We also ate Mis Vickie’s. I wonder if the international folk who read this know what those are. They are immaculate. Holy cow. What else did we do uhhh I had a chocolate bar! And I lost a 20 dollar bill! We also watched part of game 3 of the Leafs-Lightning series together (a game the Leafs ended up winning)! The whole thing was a blast. No he is not my boyfriend. I got friend-zoned a long time ago, thank you very much.
Other things that happened to me this month!
Bono—remember him?—wrote a memoir! It’s out in the fall. You can learn more about it here. Anyone who knows me knows I am a massive U2 fan. (We don’t talk about the last 20 years but whatever.) I will be buying the hell out of this book.
My Chemical Romance are back on tour! What a trip it has been to hear all their classics in a live setting again. I cannot wait for September 5th, the day I see them live in Toronto with two of my (VERY emo) friends!
Also this month, those same two friends bought tickets to see them in Toronto on a separate day. The night before mine, to be exact. I know, they’re sickos, and I love them.
Speaking of My Chem! There are rumours (and prayers from fans) swirling around that they will drop an album later this year. If that happens…man. I will spontaneously combust. I’m sure the, like, 3 adults who read this Substack are rolling their eyes so hard right now, but I’m sure they’re emos at heart as well. After all, it’s not a phase. It’s a lifestyle.
My co-op job at Shoppers continues to suck. Nothing all that memorable happened this month re: that. At least that I can recall. My memory is more warped than usual right now. My co-op teacher is still a pile of burning report cards, though.
Diane Seuss won a Pulitzer! As she should. What a poet she is and has been and will continue to be. Anyone have a free PDF of frank: sonnets?
We sold our house. And bought a new one. Within, like, three days of each other happening. Hoo boy. Gonna be a long few months in the Paluch household…
Little bit of a shameless promo before we move along here—for the second straight year I’ll be a poetry mentor for the Incandescent Review’s Summer Studio! If you know a budding 11-14 year old poet, make sure they apply to the Studio by June 8 for the chance to work with the coolest mentee ever—ME!!! Details here.
(I’d also like to mention that as part of that program my two new bosses are the wonderful Kaya Dierks and Aldwin Li, who are already proving to me that they are the two most wonderful program directors in the solar system.)
OTTERFUL THINGS OF THE MONTH!
(yes. I changed the name of this section. shut up.)
Books I have been reading!
I told you last month that I would read two books this month. At least. Boy, was I wrong. The good news is I’ve borrowed some eBooks from my local library that I’m excited to check out. One day I will have a ton of books listed in this section and you will all be so thrilled.
Other things I have been reading (this month’s is a DOOZY)!
Jacinda Ardern is the leader this crazy world needs.
Running out of insults that could adequately surmise Greg Abbott.
My friend (and TYOK subscriber!) (and new boss!) Aldwin Li wrote this touching essay.
This clip of a high school senior delivering a remarkable speech has been making the rounds on Twitter.
This month I’ve been watching a lot of old SNL clips on YouTube. I have determined that “Mister Robinson’s Neighbourhood” is the greatest SNL sketch of all time. There’s seven of them, though. It’s a seven-way tie. I will die on this hill. I am so close to devoting an entire post to this series of sketches. Anyway, here’s an 40-year old profile of Eddie Murphy
The Walrus, which is like the American Atlantic, is full of interesting reads from all sorts of people with all sorts of different perspectives.
The Toronto Herald, everybody.
My mentor-turned-friend Matt Mitchell wrote about Harry Styles.
Here’s a great conversation between two brilliant songwriters. Charlie’s debut album came out this month and it’s quite good.
Queen Taylor delivered an awesome speech to this year’s graduating class at NYU. John Mayer couldn’t be there no matter how hard he tried. He didn’t even finish college, that bozo.
Steve Schmidt on the, pardon my language, dickheadedness of John McCain.
The first Architectural Digest article I’ve ever read. And also the last.
That damn Michael Che. Smart as a whip. Seems to be heading for a long career. I hope it happens.
Great thinkpiece of sorts on George Carlin. I’ve been reading a lot about standup lately, forgive me.
Maggie Smith writes about motherhood and daughterhood in such a rich and vivid and memorable way. She writes about EVERYTHING in such a rich and vivid and memorable way.
And, lastly, a very long, recently Pulitzer Prize-winning story that is absolutely worth 15 minutes of your time.
Songs I have been listening to!
(I decided I’m not going to list any albums this month because I’d rather talk about them more in-depth at the end of December, when I force you all to inhale my opinions on the best music of 2022.)
“The Foundations of Decay,” My Chemical Romance
If you haven’t heard “The Foundations of Decay” yet, you are MISSING OUT. What a song what a song what a song WHAT A SONG. It dropped without warning earlier this month and when I found out what happened I was shaking for an hour. I had come from a nap and somehow it had already been out for, like, two hours. The way it starts so mysteriously and the chorus just EXPLODES and the breakdown near the end…I mean, the fact that there even is a breakdown in this song is incredible. It doesn’t really sound like anything they’ve done before. It sounds like a mutation of their sound. Just the sheer power of it, the power that’s found in them returning in such a fashion, it’s really something.
Imagine we get a whole album of songs like this. My brain can’t even FATHOM that.
“The Curse of Curves,” Cute is What We Aim For
I found this song last week. I was three when it came out. I know pop-punk and emo lyrics have a reputation for being really wild and messy, but this takes it to a new level. What IS this song??? I’ve never heard a song with the line, “Her bone structure screams, ‘Touch her! ToUCH her!’”. Have YOU? I have no idea why, but I love this song. I’m trying to make sense of it but my innocent brain is struggling. I’m assuming it’s like…this guy is a smooth talker and this girl is a you-know-what and he wants to love more than just her looks??? Anyway. This is probably an extremely misogynistic song but I am choosing not to see it.
Also, look at this guy’s HAIR. Did barbers not exist in the mid-2000s? Good god.
“FUNERAL GREY,” Waterparks
I’m seeing these guys live in the fall when they open for My Chemical Romance. My friend Angel, who is one of my closest friends and who is also coming with me to that concert, is a diehard Waterparks fan. Which I’ve never understood, but to each their own!
I have a love-hate relationship with Waterparks. Specifically their singer Awsten Knight. I mean, just look at that thumbnail! He looks like a wannabe emo rapper. And it feels like he dyes his hair a new colour every other week, which I have no problem with, all power to you, but isn’t he damaging his roots a little bit? Plus I find his voice very annoying and he has this very annoying internet persona and he’s just…he strikes me as very annoying.
All that taken into account, though, “Funeral Grey,” which dropped on the 13th, is a great song. Waterparks have made their name on these catchy power-pop songs where Knight’s energy and personality is front and centre, for better or for worse. They share a lot in common with *sigh* twenty one pilots in that their best work could easily cross over to pop radio. Waterparks haven’t really had that sort of mainstream success yet but in a perfect world this song would push them over the edge. It’s so well-crafted and it’s got hooks for days. It’s the kind of song Rivers Cuomo has been trying to write for the at least the last ten years. Most importantly, though, Knight sounds a little less annoying than usual. I wasn’t a huge fan of GREATEST HITS, the last Waterparks album, but if their next one has more songs like “Funeral Grey,” I’m all in.
Poems!
A older one worth revisiting, “The Opposites Game” by Brandon Constantine
“In Which I Mourn The Years I Lost” by (my friend) Dhwanee Goyal
“Western” by Izzy Casey
Tweets I loved that may or may not have come from me!
That’s it for month number five of Things You Otter Know! June is going to mark the end of this very wild chapter of my life that is high school. I’m excited to bring you along for that.
Speaking of bringing you along for things! I told you that this month would be the month that I got this newsletter on track. And I kinda did get it on track? I hope that there will be no train derailments by the end of next month. (I hope you didn't hate that rather morbid train analogy.) Here are my plans for Things You Otter Know in June 2022:
June 6: In Otter News (yeah, remember that column?)
June 13: Significant Otters vol. 2
June 20: The COVID Diaries
June 27: idk bro something about graduation i’m gonna be all emo and stuff around this time
July 4: Otterbiography, June 2022
I’ll shut up now. Take care of yourselves, and go join a March for Our Lives near you on June 11th if you can. May the National Rifle Association burn in hell.
🦦 —O— 🦦
I’m not your boss D: I just happen to do melodramatic speed-readings of otherwise unfunny training presentations…