MONDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

see above

(if you’re new here read this. we’re doing olympics coverage rn! last time we talked about Noah Lyles.)

So I don’t know if you’ve seen the above guy’s face in the last few weeks, but whether you have or not I’m going to tell you about him anyway.

First of all. THAT FACE. Truly a face card that never declines. The Timmy Chams of track and field. I want to start a Club Chalamet account just for him. Although I guess this Substack could be that. This post, even. Yeah. (Hello Mondo, if you’re reading this!)

The best part is that the story of Mondo Duplantis doesn’t begin and end with his face. At all. I mean, hypothetically, that would be fine. I could totally write a thousand words on his face. I am just sparing you of that because I am a good and virtuous person.

To my knowledge Mondo isn’t a model—though maybe he does modelling stuff on the side, and I would totally be supportive of that. However! The plot thickens! His girlfriend is a full-time one. I want to be her when I grow up. She hit the boyfriend lottery.

Like, look at this.

This might’ve been my favourite celebration of the entire Olympics. Who doesn’t want this for themselves? 70,000 people in the Stade de France are screaming themselves hoarse watching the Jumbotron. Not to mention that also watching are the eyes of the entire friggin world, minus your looney tunes Facebook uncle. But Mondo and Desiré Inglander don’t even care, they are just SO excited and thrilled and in love with each other.

The cool thing about this relationship is that Mondo and Desiré have shared many a track and field meet PDA session. You see, Mondo, when this photo was taken a week or so ago, had just broken the world record in the men’s pole vault. That’s why the two of them are so pumped up. But what if I told you that Mondo has broken the men’s pole vault record…NINE times?

LOOK AT THIS RIDICULOUSNESS. A cat has nine lives. Mondo Duplantis has nine world records, technically speaking. And nine extremely public kisses from his girlfriend.

Now, I’ve gotta be real, neither you nor I know anything about pole vault, we just watch the guys and gals turn into pretzels as they go whoosh and zoom up into the air on their long bendy carbon fibre poles every four years at the Olympics and pretend we know what’s up.

Surely it cannot be this easy for this guy to break the world record like he’s having it for breakfast, right?

But that’s the thing. He is that good. He is the Simone Biles of his respective sport. Sometimes you just have to respect greatness. I would make you the video of him hitting the 6.25m mark in Paris to help you understand just how crazy this whole thing is. But since I can’t do that because of geoblocking and whatnot, I’m going to have to describe it. In words. Wish me luck.

Check out the badassery in the above shot alone. How does he get himself to bend like that, at that speed, in mid-air, going up like a rollercoaster? I’ve read a bunch of articles in the last little while trying to answer that question, and I still don’t really have a clear answer.

Part of it is that the dude doesn’t turn 25 until this coming November. His legs are fresh as hell. And apparently speed equals height in pole vault. I believe he also ran track in high school.

Part of it is that because of how much energy it takes to vault yourself 6.25 metres in the air, you kind of have to nail the jump, and Mondo is pretty much the best in the world at that.

Part of it is genetics. The dude was basically born to do this, which adds up, because how many kids are waking up one day and deciding they want to… vault over poles? Though I guess when you come from a family of athletes, those are the kind of thoughts you have as a kid. I’m personally unsure if I would enjoy having thoughts like that. I feel like that would really mess with my head. Just imagine the weight of expectations. Imagine the pressure to succeed. Imagine eating dinner with this dude’s family! His parents ask him how his day was, he says he broke a world record in his age group, and his dad’s like, “that’s it?” and his mom’s like “you didn’t finish your homework?!”

I mean, I kind of sort of know what it’s like, because I grew up having two blue-collar Polish immigrants for parents, and if I got 100%¹ on a test, they’d ask me why I didn’t score 105% instead.

ANYWAYS. A little bit about his background since I’ve now made you incredibly invested in this guy.

Mondo has an American dad who pole vaulted professionally. He has a Swedish mom who partook in the heptathlon and also played volleyball. They’re the reason he represents Sweden—they coach him. Then his two older brothers, Andreas and Antoine, and his younger sister, Johanna, all excelled in sports as kids. That’s just insane luck, all things considered.

The wild thing is he actually grew up in Louisiana! He competed in pole vault for a year at Louisiana State (LSU) before turning pro. A bunch of ESPN talking heads were all pressed awhile back that he doesn’t represent the States, but the reason he represents Sweden is because they allowed him to have his parents continue to act as his coaches.

Though I think if he represented Jupiter I would still be a big fan of his. After all, the guy basically is an alien. No one’s doing it like Mondo.

1. this never happened, I never once got 100% on a test. if I did you know I would be bragging about it till the end of time! but the truth is I am of incredibly average intelligence. you should see my childhood psych assessment. I literally tested average in every category. even the writing portion!